Sleepless
by BlueDiamondStar
Summary: He was a loner...  There was nothing he could do to help these memories and pain...  And he gave up...
1. Chapter 1

**[CHAPTER 1]**

Stupid. He felt so stupid. It was third time this week he lost the game. He'd passed almost all of his scholarship and all he got now was hundred bucks.  
>He felt horrible and looked even worse.<br>For the past two weeks he hadn't slept at all. His friends joked something about him having hard nights but he just called them idiots and skipped school for the day.  
>And so on and so forth.<br>He felt so miserable that he hadn't any energy left to get out of his bed.

"Hey Wolfe, ready to loose?" a cold voice spoke up behind his back.  
>"Keep dreamin, Speed." he wasn't going to loose. Not again.<br>They walked into the nightclub.

Few hours later the back door shot open and few massive folks threw out a body.  
>"You see Wolfe, this ain't a dream anymore. You pay or be dead. Boys make that clear to him." he walked back in leaving young man alone with the two massive guys who looked very determined to teach a lesson...<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**[CHAPTER 2] **

This time it got him really deep in whole lot of problems.  
>And this time it was either the money or his life.<br>But where he was about to get that amount of money? 30 000 $ was pretty much of the money he didn't has. And now he had only two weeks time to get that.

But he definately didn't feel like going anywhere, and sure thing not the next day nor the day after.  
>Those "buddies" got him one fancy lesson that he definately didn't need on top of all the previous "warnings".<br>There was nearly no place he didn't feel the pain. The most painful thing was at least four broken ribs but it also seemed his head had gotten pretty blow so now he had doubled vision and constant dizziness.  
>"Holy shit." he mumbled before loosing consciousness.<p>

"Hey Jess, where's your partner of crime?"  
>"First of all he's not my partner, he's just a good friend. Second I haven't seen him since you rolled him downstairs month ago. And seems his phone is died." Jessica explained to her annoying friend when they settled for the lecture. Of course it was weird but she now was used to his attics and tried not to pay her attention to that. Only she was really worried of her friend. Since Iz pushed him downstairs noone had seen him. Which was worriesome itself.<p>

"Should we go and check on him?" Isabella asked taking out her notes and settling down on desk.  
>"I don't know. Since he moved out of campus I dunno where he lives." she sighed. It was eating her inwardly and somehow she felt it has something to do with overly suspicious Tim's sudden change in behaviour.<br>I hope he's ok, Jess thought, turning her attention to professor.


	3. Chapter 3

**[CHAPTER 3]**

It was a week later and Ryan still hadn't shown up at university. Teachers were all the time asking Jess and Izzie who where known to be the closest friends of missing Ryan Wolfe.  
>But both still hadn't no clue where he had disappeared. They just kept telling that he's sick and will return asap.<p>

The truth was that he still was in his small flat. Still without money. And still asleep.

"Ok. I'm done. That's it." during lunchtime Jess announced to her friend.  
>"Ok. But what exactly?" she asked puzzled.<br>"Ryan. He's gone for eternity and I'm not gonna wait till his DB shows up on street. No, I will go out and look for him." she said with determination in her voice.  
>"But how? We don't know where he lives, remember?"<br>"Not a prob. I'll find a way of how to do that."  
>She happened to know few more people who knew Ryan. And they might be helpful.<p>

Pain. Splitting pain. It felt worse than ever. He couldn't move. Even thinking hurt.  
>He tried to take a deep breath but got excrutingly unbearable pain in his chest. The pain was too much for him to bear that he slowly lost the battle as the darkness took over...<p>

"Hey, Mari, can we meet somewhere? I really need to speak to you." Jess really hoped for her help. She was someone you'd look for when someone's missing. And she was an old accomplice of Ryan's. "Yes, that'd be great. Thanks." she put the phone down and rushed out of her room.

It was 8.30pm and Jess was glancing cautiously around. She didn't like to be alone somewhere she hadn't been, but it was for the sakes of her friend, and she could come alone. Someone had to stay at campus just in case.  
>"Ok Jess, shoot what's up." a voice came from behind scaring girl.<br>"God damn Marissol couldn't you just shoot me? Shit, you scared me!"  
>"Stop whining. Besides if you want to be a cop be ready for that now." the other girl smirked. "So now tell me what the fuck you need me."<br>"There's a missing person on my class. He's my friend. I fear something's happened. He's missing for about a month."  
>"And what's your point? I don't do that anymore."<br>"It's Ryan." Jess stopped the other girl.  
>"What? Ryan? Ryan Wolfe? That..."<br>"Yep. Exactly that one and only Ryan Wolfe. You're up?"  
>"Holy shit! Of course I'm up. Let's go."<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**[CHAPTER 4]**

He woke with a start. With a loud ramble he tried to move again, but received only hot, searing pain shooting jerks through his body. He so hated that.  
>He had no idea what the time was nor day, it felt like eternity for him. And only thing he could think of was to make it end once and for all...<br>He looked at the knife that lay on bedside table.

"What if I...? I'd be finally free... I'll be dead anyways, so what's the difference?"

He reached a trembling hand towards the table... He wouldn't be found sooner than landlord came after the payment. And then Tim wouldn't be able to do anything to him anymore... He'd add free... Finally free... Completely free...

_"tell me would you kill to save for a life? tell me would you kill to prove you're right?" _

He kept holding this temptation in his hands. It'd be so easy. Just a small movements on the right places and all his problems would disappear... He touched the shiny blade...

_"i feel numb... i can't come to life... i feel like i'm frozen in time..." _

So easy just to let it go...  
>Just one swift motion...<br>And he'd be saved...

_"livin in a world so cold...wasting away...livin in a shell with no soul since you've gone away...livin in a world so cold...counting the days...since you've gone away, you've gone away..."_

He played with the blade wondering how'd that be...  
>If he just...<br>Just...  
>Was he afraid?<br>Was he scared to take it all away?  
>But why?<br>There was nothing left to loose...

_"i just don't want to hear it anymore... i swear i never meant to let it die... i just don't care about you anymore... "_

It felt so weird. But it's the remedy he was looking for...  
>Flick!<br>And it was all...  
>Hot searing pain spread out along the hot liquid burning his skin and tingling slowly, letting out his power of life, the energy...<br>It was a feeling he was never supposed to feel. But he did. It was never meant to happen, not that soon...  
>Flick!<br>Once more. He led out the same feeling letting it to crawl onto his skin spraying out its crimson life...  
>It didn't feel that bad at all...<p>

_"took a ride to the end of the lane... where no one ever goes... ended up on a broken train with nobody i know... but the pain and the longings the same when you're dying... now i'm lost and i'm screaming for help alone..."  
><em>  
>He played with the blade licking the blood off... It tasted same, metalic taste seeped into his soul...<br>Then he reached over and grabbed something from under the bed. It was a bottle of his old bronze buddy. He looked at it then put it to his lips and drunk it all empty slowly enjoying the moment...

_"more than this... whatever it is... baby i hate days like this... when it rain rain rains..." _

He put the bottle down and took his new shiny friend again...  
>The feeling of freedom was too close, too overwhelming...<br>So he put the blade along the blue-ish lining along his arm and pushed it deep into his skin pouring out the scarlett shade...

_"it took me back to the end... of everything... i taste it all, i taste it all... the tears again... outside the rain's fallin down... there's not a drop that hits me... scream at the sky but no sound is leaving my lips..."_


	5. Chapter 5

**[CHAPTER 5]**

***five years later* **

It was a long and very hot day even if it was only midday. He felt so exhausted. Sun was making it even harder let alone the heat. He hated patrols. He was a patrol just little over year and he was tired already. All these chases made him feel like he's been hit by a train. And now this empty road was killing him. Who was that idiot, who sent him patrolling on this terrible highway, in the first place? And why he was alone again?

Not that he hated bikes, but, come on, alone in heat like this, seriously?  
>He was so taken over by his thoughts that he almost missed a car that seemed to driving on its own.<p>

"Now great, another drunken" he gritted his teeth and went after car.  
>"Well, well, what do we got here?" he said eying the car and driver, "Licence and papers please." for the millionth time he asked and checked the documents writing down the information in his notebook.<br>He walked around the car taking in any suspicious details.

"Sir, please step out of the car. Slowly." he said carefully stepping to the drivers side. But the driver had other thoughts. He let the young cop close enough then pushed him back and took off. Young man staggered backwards but managed to keep his footing and rushed to his bike and started chase.

He was almost ahead of the car and was ready to stop the guy when unexpected happen. A few gunshots echoed in the heated air and the car violently swayed trashing into the motorcycle yanking it off the road.

Poor cop flew sideways and hit the ground hard while car took off.  
>When the dust and smoke cleared there was no sign on the road, not even a screech of a tyres that would indicate there's something happened...<br>Nothing that could help the young man in danger...


	6. Chapter 6

**[CHAPTER 6] **

***two years later***

He was sitting in the locker room fuming in anger. Today was another horrible day in his new job he started to dislike now. First it was alarm that didn't wake up him on time, at least nightmare did it. Then it was car that refused to move. Then he was too late to get to crime scene and now it was very mad Eric who almost sent him flying through glass wall. He now felt exhaustion from the fuss. He just wished to get the job he could be safe and that he loved.

Was that too much to ask?

With a sigh he slowly got up. He felt like an old man with all the small aches he felt shooting through his spine, on top that he felt another migraine attack on the way.  
>He slowly walked to his locker and took his meds. Only then he realised he needed water, the same water that he accidentally left back at Break Room.<br>Great, now he had to go back there. But he didn't feel like returning there, not after that assault, so he walked back to his lab and sat down.

He looked around the place and realised that the water supply was removed and vending machine was out, in hallway.

With a feral growl he got up and walked to the machine and pushed the button for plain water.

What he didn't see was a dark figure, hidden behind the corner at the end of the hallway, watching him popping pills and washing them down with water. The figure watched the young man for a moment more before disappearing.

Ryan Wolfe, a patrol officer- turned to CSI, was having a secret. And someone was very interested to find out what exactly was this secret...  
>But there was another person silently spying the young man, and he was worried about him. He watched his CSI returning back to his lab, slightly limping, and then went back to his office. There was few things he was willing to learn about the youngest team member.<br>He sat at his desk and took out a manila folder and continued reading it...


	7. Chapter 7

**[CHAPTER 7]**

It was another horrible day. And it was very annoying. He felt like a walking zombie. It was the third shift in a row and he hadn't slept in days. On top of that was terrible headache he couldn't cover even with the meds. He felt like he was going to drop dead at any minute.

He stood at the crime scene almost done photographing. Suddenly he had to grab the closest sailing of the building's stairs. It felt like the whole world was swaying and spinning.

This isn't good, he thought. He waited for the dizzy spell to dissipate then glanced around. Luckily no one noticed his weakness.

He overlooked the crime scene for the tenth time and finally was satisfied. Looked like he was done here, so he walked back to his car for water.

"Ryan are you ok?" Alexx's voice startled him.

"I'm fine" he brushed it off.

But Alexx wasn't going to let that pass, "Honey, you don't look good. Come here, sit down" she guided Ryan to the shaded bench under the tree.

"Sweetie, you feel so hot. Are you sure you're ok?" Alexx was really concerned.

"Alexx I'm fine, really. Just the heat." he tried to get away but the look in Alexx's eyes... "Well, casual headache, that's all." he added. But no matter how hard he tried to act normal he failed when everything went dark...

"Ryan! Ryan? Wake up sugar!" Alexx called out and splashed bit water on Ryan's face. It seemed helping.

"What happened?" Ryan asked surprised. When he managed to pass out?

"It's ok sweetie. You'll be fine. We gotta get to the hospital."

"No!" he yelped in horror, "I don't want..."

But Alexx was not giving any chances, "No. You will come. It's an order."  
>"Please no. I'll go home and sleep till I feel better." he tried to avoid another hospital visit. After all what's happened he didn't need another paragraph in his records.<p>

"What's going on here?" another voice came from behind.

"Oh, Horatio. Nothing much just Ryan's refusing hospital visit." Alexx got the wore before Ryan opened his mouth.

"What happened?"

"I suspect possible heat stroke" she said looking at Ryan who now looked like going to pass out.

Horatio viewed the young CSI while he sat on the bench slightly swaying.  
>Few seconds and suddenly he let go of the water bottle and slumped backwards on the bench...<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**[CHAPTER 8]**

"Shit!" he cursed waking up at dimly lit hospital room. It was empty and he was glad about it. He glanced at the clock, it was night already.

What has happened? He had no recollection of what happened after he finished photographing. He was very confused by this fact. But there was nothing he'd change.

Sighing he tried to sit up slowly though, but suddenly a sharp pain shooted up his spine jolting through his brain.

"OW!" he yelled not realising how loud it actually came out.

This was freaking him out. He hoped it has nothing to do with past, even though deep inside he felt it was.  
>"Oh god" he sighed trying not to think about what can happen if his worst fear comes true.<p>

"Hey sugar" the door suddenly was open and Alexx came in. "Are you feelin better?"

"I think so. But what happened? I don't remember." he asked still puzzled.

"You suffered minor sun stroke plus your migraine was acting up. You passed out."

"That explains pretty much"

But Alexx had something else to say. "Ryan there is something else I wanted to talk about with you." she said becoming serious. It made Ryan suspicious.

"Why didn't you say anything that you got shot during patrols?" she asked looking right into his eyes.

"I just... Well it didn't matter... Until now, obviously. I know I should but it felt unnecessary."

"But honey, you do realise how serious is your condition. What if something occured and we needed information?"

"I never thought about that. I... I just didn't want to relive all what happened that day." he turned his gaze away.

"I know it's hard for you. But your condition has worsened. The bullet fragments have shifted. You need surgery asap." she said it looking into Ryan's eyes. He looked completely frightened.

"Alexx, I'm scared. I don't want to loose anything. Back then I was already frightened enough. But now I just... I can't..." his voice trailed as the tears started to roll down his cheeks leaving silver trails.

"Aww baby." Alexx hugged Ryan holding him tightly as the lone star fell down the sky outside and few more blinked towards the ocean.


	9. Chapter 9

**[CHAPTER 9]**

***couple years later***

He was sitting on the beach for the most of the day.  
>Finally he had three days off and he decided to stay on the beach.<br>His mind was still returning back to the day couple years back when he was so terrified of loosing all he had. Though he wasn't free yet. And possibly won't ever be. The shards were still there. They couldn't risk of taking them out yet so they stayed waiting for the day they move again, because they were "too close".

What the hell meant "too close"? Wasn't everything these days "too close"? Hell, he already was "too close" to loose his sight, "too close" to loose his life, even that "too close" to loose all his money at once. But he still risked. He still was in denial.

Suddenly he felt the urge to go back and play the game. The game he need to play to get off things he wanted not to think of. He stood up and pulled out his pills. In a trained motion he flipped a bunch in his mouth and left the beach.

It was like standing in front of the train that was moving full speed.  
>He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't feel. There was just a dull silence. A complete emptiness in his chest. He was completely oblivious to the world around him, and especially very angry Rick Stetler. He didn't see the older man telling him that he's fired, telling him he's thrown out like a piece of shit. There were only stars dancing in front of young man's glazed eyes. He was in complete shock. In shock the he didn't see the obvious, that he stepped over the line, that he wasn't careful enough.<p>

His mind was empty and his body trying but failing to react. He felt paralysed.  
>And with stars still swimming in his vision he slipped deep into darkness...<p>

He woke up with a scream. But when his brain came to life he couldn't remember a thing. It was only this feeling still lingering somewhere between the layers of his his consciousness. For a while he just sat at his bed trying to wake his mind.

After the incident at lab it was even harder to regain his composure every morning.  
>The doctor said it was due to a lot of reasons starting the day he got the scar on his arm. He slided his fingers over the scar. There was still the black hole in his memory from that time, but one thing he sure remembered...<p>

The person who did this to him. And now he had to start over his life in sake of the fight for the job he wanted back.

The one at television definately wasn't for him. Gun range was closer. Bodyguard- even closer. The hardest of all- fighting addiction. The addiction he had for years but he never admitted. Now he had to. And now one last step before return...


	10. Chapter 10

**[CHAPTER 10]**

***some time later***

What the hell had happened to him? He barely remembered what those guys had told him and now he felt something hot flowing down his face.  
>Where he was? It wasn't his bed. No, it wasn't his house either. Was he outside? What he was doing out?<p>

Puzzled Ryan tried to move. It was painful but he barely could move at all. He tried to open his eyes. They didn't cooperate right away but after some fight fluttered open and he was blinded by sunlight. Before he could get to some thoughts another jolt of pain rushed through his spine, blowing off any coherent thought.  
>He needed pretty good time to gain control over his body and reach for meds. Now he had to get home, wherever it was, and get a hold of his friend who was able to help.<p>

With that thought, adding hard concentration, he pulled himself up from the ground and started to walk home...

_BANG!_  
>His hands were shaking uncontrollably. His head spun. This was even worse than that day, back then he didn't even feel anything. But now it was just unbearable.<p>

_BANG!  
><em>Another bullet tore apart his body jolting him painfully. Or was there any pain left? He wasn't sure anymore. His hearing was muffled and mind clouded. Was that sun? A tiny coherent thought broke through this haze. He remembered sunset when he climbed up the stairs. He could see it through the huge window.  
>Another flash of red. What was that? Everything was blurry.<p>

_BANG!_  
>His world darkened for a second. He didn't feel anything anymore. Completely opposite. His vision cleared and he saw H standing at the railing. The sun glittered in his hair like a fire. It was so beautiful. He didn't feel his body, nothing. Like he wasn't there anymore. He saw himself moving towards the railing. His eyes glued to Horatio who dropped his gun and plunged towards falling Ryan...<br>But he never made it.

With a loud noise the railing broke off under Ryan's body and it all fell down...  
>He never felt it coming.<br>Never realised.

But nevertheles he still knew who did this to him. He just never believed it was even possible. But it didn't matter anymore...

The last thing he saw before his body hit the ground was H's flaming hair and incredibly beautiful crimson sunset...

A silent tear rolled down his cheek shining in the last rays of sunlight...  
>His soul was now safe...<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**[EPILOGUE]  
><strong>  
><em>"Over my shoulder...<br>Running away...  
>Feels like I'm falling...<br>Loosing my day...  
>Fog out my daylight...<br>Feels like I'm falling...  
>Far out of sight... "<em>

_-  
>"By the time I'm dreaming... And you've crept out on me sleeping... Busy in the blissful unaware...<br>By the time I'm dreaming... And you've crept out on me sleeping... Tell me how am I suppose to care... "  
><em>-  
><em>"In any other world you could tell the difference...<br>And let it all unfurl into broken remnants...  
>Smile like you mean it and let yourself let go...<br>Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man...  
>Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in...<br>Take a bow, play the part of a lonely, lonely heart...  
>Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in...<br>I tried to live alone but lonely is so lonely alone...  
>So human as I am, I had to give up my defenses...<br>So I smiled and tried to mean it, to let myself let go...  
>Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man...<br>Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in...  
>Take a bow, play the part of a lonely, lonely heart...<br>Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in... "_


End file.
